an ugly fly for an ugly fish

if ever there was a friggin’ ugly and stupid looking fish, this is it.

grayling  (Thymallus thymallus):  their flaccid, distorted, insecure ‘Angelina‘ lips and biology class dead frog expressions are the disgrace of the animal world.
often referred to as “The Lady of the Streams” by what must be myopic, sexually repressed, football or hockey-on-tv-watching anglers, we’ll note that this expression is a horrible insult to women of all kinds.  i’d gladly sucker-punch the ******** who came up with the term and greatly incourage you to do the same next time you hear those despicable words.

these things often live in pods where there can be hundreds of them scrounging around meaninglessly right around your feet. once found, the hardest challenge for the angler is to avoid stepping on them while wading. once hooked, they fight like they look: like a flip-flopping one-legged sheep with butt cancer and to make things worse…  just like vampires, a lot of these creepy things don’t even show up on film leaving the impression that the whole thing was just a bad dream  !

no grayling

anyhow, a lot of us live in areas where trout fishing is closed during their reproductive season and we’re left to resort to  this soggy species if we want to fish in rivers so, as pitiful as these creatures may be they still need to eat and to trick them we’ll often need to resort to ‘flie’s that match their looks, personalities and lack of  taste.
along the same lines as a Happy-Meal placed in front of a pimply kid, this strange, unnatural and otherwise all-around offensive ‘discodildo on a hook’ wakes up these stupid fish’s appetites and gets them to open their disgusting mouths long enough to set the hook.
this fly-thing is very heavy and it’s not really safe to cast. it’s lobbed Euro-Nymphing style through fast and deep pools and holes and we dredge the bottom where these horrid fish hide in shame waiting for something ugly to be swept downstream into their gross mouths.
the line/leader  is tight and takes are usually lacking in subtlety so all we have to do is lift the rod and slide the slimy thing to the net, slip out the ‘fly’ and let it go back where it belongs. job done, next.

disco-dildo (a grayling fly)

made with-
no love whatsoever but a deep sense of desperation mingled with an overwhelming urge to offend any dry-fly purist i might meet on the water.

hook– Partridge “pre-leaded for ugly fish, grub style” #12.
flatten out the round body with pliers so it doesn’t look like a jumbo hotdog when finished.
be sure to sharpen the points as they’re pre-dulled at the factory.
under thread – anything white and cheap, it’s just to make a nice smooth discodildo shape that will be covered by:
abdomen‘ –  Glitter Thread chose the color to match your own tastes, these fish are too dumb to see the difference
head–  Demmon Hot Spot Thread in orange. they’re attracted to orange and considering there’s no orange food available to them naturally, this makes perfect sense.

i’m always fond of saying that “any fish is a good fish”, except for grayling…

zander fin

Zanders or (Sander lucioperca), close cousin of the american Walleye (sander vitrium) (sounds viral… )  is a widely distributed fish throughout Europe and considered a prized game fish by many.

ok, now the tech part is finished i want to point out right away that apart from the absolutely gorgeous fin on this smallish (65cm) one i caught above, there’s nothing i enjoy about catching these fish.
if there is one lame-ass fish this is it. once hooked, there’s an initial pull and then what is usually considered the ‘fight sequence’ simply turns out to be a matter of pulling in what seems to be a large plastic bag. that’s it.
“When striking, it fights by a dull pulling backward motion, giving the impression that there is a big stone attached to the line. Because zander is not as good in striking as pike, it prefers slower, even wounded or mentally handicapped fish; a fly moving too fast won’t get the zander’s attention. On the other hand, anecdotal evidence suggests that zander do not attack flies that are moving too slowly either…” 

not only are they stupid but they’re ugly.

a guy i knew used to refer to this make-believe ‘ugly as ‘f’ fish as the fabled half-fish/half bestial/half-something Mugwai.
i just know he was referring to zanders, maybe a temporary mind-zblurb or perhaps a subconscious karma preservation thingy preventing him from pronouncing the Z word.

to redeem themselves of their loathsome lives, they do however sometimes attack human swimmers, usually the keg-party-at-the-lake types so they’re not all that bad.
“In July 2009 in Switzerland, a zander attacked tourists in Lake Maggiore, sending two people to the Emergency Room; the worst cut inflicted was about 10 centimeters long.
The 70-cm 8-kg fish was later caught by the local police who cooked it and offered it to the tourists for the trouble it caused.”